Ironically, I did a bit of writing today, just not for the blog. Sorry, guys. But hopefully you'll see the fruits of my efforts soon. I have a few videos I'm hoping to edit before I leave and put on our channel.
Before I leave...
I guess I should get all existential and talk about my feelings on Ireland, but that's difficult when they fluctuate constantly. Yesterday I was optimistic. Tonight I'm begging for a way out. Who knows how I'll feel about it tomorrow?
The thing is, it's hard to be all gung-ho about chasing something you never really wanted. True, I wanted to live in Europe, and moving to Ireland does, at least temporarily, achieve that goal. But it's not like I'm living in London or Paris. It's Ireland. And don't get me wrong, I really liked it when I visited there. I even wanted to go back and live there for a bit. But that was a fleeting thought, not a real desire. I've never really cared that much about Ireland. It's what's easy and available right now. It's the quick fix to living in Europe. And part of why I can't imagine going is because I haven't earned it. What have I done? Why am I going? I don't have a job lined up, and sometimes I really can't imagine that I'll have a very great job. I'm not sure if it's a step in the right direction, or if I'm sliding down a mountain, all the while thinking I'm climbing up. I can be a writer anywhere, but I still feel like living in Ireland isn't going to help things any. Things are filmed in Ireland, plenty of them. But when it comes down to it, the career(s) I want would flourish better somewhere else. And I just imagine it'll be more of a struggle than it's worth. And while I'm all for taking huge risks, it's easier to take a risk when going after something you know you want. But now the risk is doubled. There's the risk of failing, accompanied by the fear that going at all will have been a mistake, even if I don't fall flat on my face.
Honestly, right now I'm just daydreaming of a world where we can all move to New York together and share an apartment. New York has real opportunities, not just a bunch of potatoes and sheep. And we could all be together, and live together, and just have each other. In the end, that's what I'd really want. But I guess Ireland will do.
And those are my feelings right this second. Tune in next time for "I can't believe I ever doubted. Ireland is going to be the best thing ever!" and the follow-up, "What am I doing with my life? I'm going to die in a gutter!"
P.S. I'm pretty sure I typed part of this in my sleep. Wonder what it'll say.