Where to start? Well, like I said, I started my first "real" job this week, if you don't count babysitting as a real job. It's weird to think about being a real adult and having a real job...like all the time. Guys, won't that be a weird thing to do? I mean, I know a lot of us have part time jobs, but think about having a job all the time. So weird. Adulty stuff. :P
Oh look: I posted the part up there before midnight. Deadline met! Actually, do we really care about that anymore? I mean, look at Jill. When was the last time she even blogged? And Rachael blogged late. And I'm cheating right now by not finishing by midnight. I'm calling all of us out.
I propose that we actually keep up with blogging like we did at the beginning. Especially now. I mean, maybe this summer it's not that important, since we're mostly together. That is not to say that we shouldn't continue over the summer. Of course we should. But what I'm really saying is that when the summer comes to an end, some of us will begin our senior year of college. Some will be around a bit longer. Others have already graduated. You guys, we're going to go our separate ways one of these days. All of us (you know, until we all move into a house together in London, riiiiiight???) Do we really want to have a blog in shambles, being updated just whenever we feel like it? Is that what's going to become of our friendship when we're not together. Ok, ok, I'm being a bit melodramatic. But we started this blog to keep in touch when we were all apart, did we not? So here's what I think: We should try to restore our blogging efforts to their original heights. The enthusiasm and dedication that were there at the beginning can come back. So I say we get our original 8 back: Amy, Sara, Rachael, me, Jill, Amber, Sanaa, and Shelby, plus our Mysterious Munchkin who joined us briefly a couple of semesters ago. We have a blog posted every day. Everyone does it. Or at least, we try. I hope I don't come off as a jerk. I'm really not trying to pick on any of you for quitting or not really trying. You KNOW I've posted some crappy blogs in the past and utterly disregarded the deadlines and whatnot. I don't mean to be mean. I'm just saying, let's quit slacking. I think this is an awesome project, and I'm really proud of what we've done in the past year and a half. Let's keep it together, and it'll help us stick together! Love you guys!
On a completely different note, I'm going to toss you a thought-provoking question. Have fun with the comments section.
Which is scarier: to love or to be loved?
I know, right? Weird question. Classic, coming from me--the one who's supposedly afraid of commitment--right?
Side note: I just looked up fear of commitment to try to find the phobia name, and I found this...
What are the symptoms of commitment phobia? Commitment phobia can express itself in all kinds of different ways, but typically sufferers may exhibit any of these:
- Being overly critical of the other partner in the relationship, and/or the relationship as a whole.
- Annoying / hurting the other person, thus sabotaging the relationship, even if it's considered to be working well. An example of this, might be consistently turning up late for things - whether with apologetic excuses, or not.
- Being scared of getting noticed, because the other person might want to start a relationship. In fact, they'll often reject other people from the word go, so that a relationship barely gets off the starting blocks. The feeling behind this, can be to protect themselves from even the prospect of allowing others' to get too close.
At the other end of the scale, a commitment phobic, may be flirtatious and appear to want the attentions of other interested parties, desiring even a longer-term physical relationship. But, eventually the fear can, and often does, win out and the other person gets pushed away, leaving broken hearts in its wake.
- Fearing being swamped by others, and thus losing sight of who they feel they really are.
- Unable to face or explore the prospects, issues, or thoughts, of living together, or getting married.Some commitment phobics may want to find Mr or Miss Right and get married, but will often have somewhat unrealistic 'ideals' over possible suitors.
- Often friends and relatives notice and will often make comments like: 'you're being too picky', and 'Mr/Miss Perfect' just doesn't exist'.
- Sometimes they'll fall in love with other people who just aren't interested in forming an intimate relationship. The reasoning behind this can be that the commitment phobic has, (deliberately, or otherwise), chosen a person who can't/won't, form a lasting relationship, and so they are 'safe' from having to make that long-term commitment.
- There is also the type of sufferer who enters a relationship, can't commit, then leaves at some point, only to return sometime later, before leaving yet again. This yo-yoing can happen time and time again leaving hurt, bewilderment and distrust in its wake.
- There can be the avoidance of having to commit to anything. This can also involve jobs, tasks, timekeeping, as well as personal relationships / friendships. Interestingly, it can even involve undertaking treatment for the commitment phobia itself.
Anyway, feel free to contradict me in finally accepting that maybe I am afraid of commitment. But back to my thought-provoking question: Is it more terrifying to love or to be loved? Actually, I think this comes at the root of any fear of commitment. Perhaps it's actually a fear of love. I feel like, if I fell in love, I probably wouldn't have a problem committing to that person (probably...maybe...), but I'd be more likely to hold myself back from actually falling in love.
On the one hand, loving someone can change your desires. It can change your priorities and what you want. It can change your dreams and change who you are. And that, to me, is supreme horror.
On the other hand, being loved by someone makes you accountable. That's the scary part. Your decisions affect others. You have to accept responsibility for that and face the potential for guilt when you disappoint or worry those who love you.
Loving and being loved are intertwined, of course. And they both require a great degree of selflessness, and I often feel that I'm too selfish for any of this. I want my dreams. I want my freedom. I just want to be me, not part of a couple, not incomplete without my "other half." I don't want to be just a half. I'm a whole. And although I'm not very good at being independent in practical ways, I have an independent spirit, and I don't want any relationship to strip me of that. It's like I don't trust myself at all. It's like I think that if I ever have a boyfriend, he'll just suck the independence right out of me and I'll do nothing but need him and hang on his every word, think about him every second, and mention him in every conversation. And it's my pride, too. I don't want to appear pathetic, and I don't want to need someone, at least not like that, not in a relationshippy way. I guess it's partially because I've seen some of my high school friends go to complete mush over guys, but it's scary to think of becoming a completely different person.
But hey, I know God has a plan for my life, so things will work out the way He wants them to. Yeah, I'm adding this disclaimer in here. Because, yes, I believe it to be true, and I've thought about things in these terms. Just because I can go on long rants about my (supposed and often self-magnified) problems doesn't mean I don't realize that everything will be okay. Deep down, I know God's got this under control. But I also know that His plans aren't always easy. Sometimes God's will can lead to temporary miseries. Which, you know, is why it's hard to accept sometimes. Obviously I know God will do what's best, but I'm hesitant to let go and let God because I know that what's best isn't always what makes me happy at the time. But because I really do trust Him to do more good than I can ever imagine, I'm not too worried about all this silly love stuff. Sure, I may overthink these things. A lot. But that doesn't mean everything is terrible and I'm so distressed over it all. I like to give proper thought to things, that's all. Sometimes it is distressing, but then I get over it, whether by being reassured of God's perfect plan....or by getting on tumblr and just getting distracted and then BOOM: on to thinking of other things. lol.
Okay, wow, that turned from thought-provoking question to share time from Anna Beth's diary really quickly. Yep.
P.S. Just because I write about love and commitment also doesn't mean I'm even remotely in love with anyone. I just have a lot of thoughts. Let's not jump to conclusions. K?
I bet you guys think my fear of commitment is troubling. Oh no. What's troubling is the realization I had the other day. It was quite upsetting indeed. Here, I posted it on tumblr. I won't bother to repeat my explanation:
CAUTION: CLICK HERE FOR STUNNING REENACTMENT OF ME ON WEDNESDAY, POST-REALIZATION!
Grrrr, you guys just don't understand my love of Ramin Karimloo and Hadley Fraser. And them together! Because they basically come as a package deal (No, no, tumblr, not like that!).
Oh well. There's always Canada, right Jill? Yeah? Yeah? Right? We want to go to Canada, eh?
Assorted other questions/comments:
Amber's back!!! Hiii, Amber.
Does anyone want to do a summer Bible study (like we did before with JASS, except this time not JASS, obviously)?
Star Trek: Into Darkness was SO GOOD! Benedict Cumberbatch, man! What an actor! What a fantastic human! Beautiful, beautiful man.
Today I met a man who'd had Christmas dinner with Jed Clampett! I also made a friend named Guillermo and had a gas station attendant pitch a movie idea to me.
Sleepover tomorrow--er--tonight at my house!
Yard sale June 1st! WOO!
I also still think it would be fun to do that writing challenge we were talking about the other day. It doesn't even have to be a challenge. But I think it might be fun for those of us who want to write stories, we could exchange chapters/parts and read each other's work and help each other improve and be like fancy classic author friends like C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, except without the being that awesome, clearly. But...maybe it's just me. Anyone want to be my writing exchange buddy? (*coughJillshouldwritethelogcabinstorycough*)
I think that's all...
C'est la vie. Carpe diem. Vive la France.
Oh, and here, have a song. It's a good one: